Be-ing Here but a Little Homesick

Yesterday I went to church with Turi and then we went out to Pizza Hut for lunch, which was delicious.  I took a nap and then Kohima took me shopping, to a couple folk stores and then to a general market.  The general market sells almost everything Meijer or Kohl's would sell except it’s not one big store, its tons of little shops with merchandise overflowing and lining the aisle in between the shops. 

When I sat down to write this entry, I was a little miffed; I didn’t have any new growth experiences to share.  I’ve been pretty tired the last couple days and after taking a minute to think about what I learned Friday, I realized that I can’t always be having intense learning experiences.  I need time to just be.  The pastor mentioned in church yesterday that we are human beings not human doings.  Not only do I need time to process what I’ve experienced, but I need time to digest it as well.  Change is a process, and if I want to take the lessons that I’m learning here to heart, I have to give myself time to be and get used to the new concepts. 

It’s okay if nothing exciting happens today.  (Repeating to myself: It’s okay if nothing exciting happens today).  The learning experiences will come, whither I wait anxiously for them or allow myself to just be and experience them as they come along.  To some extent, when I’m writing this blog, I’m hoping to share new insights and things that I’ve realized, lessons that I’ve learned.  But I think sometimes I get to caught up in recording what I’ve learned, in extracting the lessons from experiences.  Its actually kind of exhausting to be honest. 

On one hand it’s extremely helpful because it helps me process what I’ve seen and done.  On the other hand, to some extent it has turned into me proving that I’m learning important things and kind of justifying my experience here.  There are so many opportunities for growth, leadership, experience and fun; when I talk to other people about how they are spending their summer, sometimes I find the little green monster inside of me whining.  I feel like I won’t have the experiences I need to get internships or jobs, that I’m missing out on a lot of things.  Which is ridiculous;  I have an amazing opportunity this summer.  But that green little monster whines anyways.  I stomp and smush the little monster, usually with success, but sometimes not.

I’ve been here two weeks; in that time I’ve learned, grown and seen a ton.  I’ve met new and interesting people and I’ve grown in my faith.  But sometimes I just want be home.  I want to bike downtown with my sister and have breakfast for dinner at Crows Nest.  I want to build bookshelves with my dad with the cherry wood from our yard.  I want to make dinner with my mom using fresh vegetables from the farmers market.  I want to spend time with my family and friends, to work on my projects, bake, read books and watch movies.  I want to walk, bike and drive myself places without worrying about my safety.  I know that God wants me here, that being here is the next step of my journey and where I need to be to grow, but sometimes, I just want to be at home. 

I’m sharing this because I’m trying to stop pretending that I have everything under control.  I am a child of God and I find great comfort in that, but as a child I also need God and I need other people.  Instead of pretending-away my brokenness, I’m trying to embrace it.   And by embracing my brokenness I’m embracing my desperate need for God and for other people.  I’d like to ask for prayers that during my time here I come to deeply understand brokenness- mine and yours and that our mutual brokenness is what brings us together.

So, I miss and love you all tons and truly appreciate you for all your support and understanding, and with a more open heart look forward to seeing you when I get back!